Let's talk.
Every year, I try to discuss my issues with anxiety on #BellLetsTalk day, an annual event put on by Bell Media in Canada to raise money for and end the stigma against discussing mental health. It's an incredibly important venture, made even more impactful by the support of the hockey community - a wide variety of teams, from the professional, college, and semi-pro ranks usually hop on the event, promoting it through their social channels and hosting events to fundraise. It's a wonderful cause to get behind, and each year I'm amazed at the attention and support that teams bring to the day.
Every year, I do my best to share my mental health story, not only because I hope it will help someone else take action on their issued, but so that I confront it myself. So, let's talk.
I have suffered from insomnia due to stress and anxiety for almost 10 years now - since I was in high school. I was able to gut it out for most of my life, but towards the end of my senior year in college, it become a major issue. Thanks to added stressers both personally and academically, my sleep amount dropped off drastically - at one point, I clocked myself around 12 hours of sleep in a week. I assumed that this was a problem that would solve itself - once I graduated, all my stress would go away, and I'd be back to my normal 5-6 hours of sleep a night.
That didn't happen. Instead, I entered the workforce, and ended up with my dream job in my dream location - working for AHL Portland in Maine. Career wise, this was an amazing opportunity, but my stress level ratcheted even higher. Between my quest to run the communications department at a high level, coupled with outside factors with the team and a lack of support from other staff (I was the only member of the communications staff), my insomnia and stress worsened. There was a point where I worked for 7 straight weeks without more than a few hours off, as well as a couple weeks where I worked 20 hours in a day. Working hard was part of the territory, but the stress and anxiety from the job was all consuming. By the time I had made the decision to leave the team in May of 2014 to pursue other opportunities, I was spent - I had nothing left to give and finally decided to get help from a doctor, having finally gotten health insurance after 4 years without it. I was immediately diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
My doctor in Portland was fantastic, and we figured out a course of medication to try. Unfortunately, it failed - badly. I worked at my old summer camp that summer, and was a miserable human being to be around - sarcastic, emotionless, quick to anger, and, worst of all, unaware that I was behaving badly. It took several people telling me how I was acting for me to realize what was going on, and by that point, I had damaged a number of relationships. I called my doctor in Portland and we chose to try something new.
It worked. The new medication has been a life changer - and likely a life safer. It is not a cure all - I'm still the same insomniac as I was 10 years ago, but I'm able to function at a high level on a daily basis. That doesn't mean I don't have bad days, and doesn't mean there aren't side effects, but the face is that the help I got was necessary.
Now to part two of the story - where I am now. As many people know, I've been searching for a new opportunity in pro sports since I left Portland, and it hasn't gone as planned. I've applied for nearly 1000 positions, have had hundreds of interviews, and have been a finalist for 30 different positions. Of those, I've received one offer - a part time, $20/hour 5 month position in New York City that I literally could not afford to take.
Every day, I drag myself out of bed, because I need to take my medication in order to feel normal. Every day, I spend hours on-line, searching for open positions, networking opportunities, and anything else I can do to get myself back in the workforce. And while I've been incredibly lucky to have the support of friends, family, former colleagues, and the work from a number of contract positions, I will not be truly happy, nor will I be able to see myself at my full potential, until I have a full time position in sports again. 2017 EDIT - I'm now happily employed again. But, my experience certainly has taught me about how my own mental well being is affected by my work life. 2018 EDIT - I am once again unemployed, so this piece is very relevant once again. While I am certainly less stressed this go around, it is an everpresent stress factor that I'm once again looking for jobs.
It doesn't feel good to admit that to myself - it certainly doesn't feel great to admit that in a public forum when you're hunting for a job. I had, and still have, many reservations about posting this while I look for work. However, if I truly want to help myself, and hopefully help others, overcome the stigma of mental health and get help, I need to admit what I need help with.
Bell Let's Talk is more than a hashtag, and a fundraiser. It's an idea - that mental illness, depression, anxiety, and stress should not be swept under the rug, and that those who need help should get it. I am firmly in the mindset that I could have helped myself earlier, and that I need help now. Sometimes it's just someone to talk to, sometimes it's a job lead, and sometimes it's just the need to feel useful.
The final thing I want to say is this - mental illness need not define who you are. My anxiety disorder will always be with me, but it doesn't make me who I am, not anymore - it doesn't define my work ethic, my relationships, my worth or my self image. If you're reading this and have some of the same struggles, rest assured - you are not defined by your mental illness either. Get help, get better, and get yourself where you want to be.
If you ever need help, or want someone to talk to, I'm almost always available (since I don't sleep!) - tweet me or email me. My door is always open - please don't wait to get help like I did. Hopefully this is helpful to others, but it's been helpful to me to get down in writing.
So, let's talk.